Wednesday, March 25, 2009
*So I found this really cool pic that brilliantly expressed my anger. Gotta give credit. Here's the LINK
So on Thursday night, me and another first-year teacher (who attempts to both teach and keep her sanity at my school) did a presentation on "questioning in literature." Following what I felt was a well presented 45 minute discussion (although strained by both our and every other teachers' fatigue and desire to be on spring break) the professor proceeds to follow with 5 minutes on the nee for some teachers to take spring break and re-evaluate their desire to teach...
Although not directly addressed at me and my partner it definitely felt so. I left class angered and simply wondering--well damn, who is on my side? Does that sound selfish? Needy? Well it may be so, but that's how I feel. Long ago I realized my teaching program was unwilling to give me support, nor the teacher's union, certainly not DCPS or my school--administration or teachers.
I'm not asking to have my hand held--but shit I was throw in into this thing and feel like day in and out I'm asked to re-invent the wheel. Yes, I signed up for this, but no I wasn't able to fully comprehend that my job would steal my energy, happiness and identity. It would be an understatement to say that my job is my life. I live, breathe and sleep for my job. Do I need to re-evaluate my choice? Hell no! I do that every day I get called a "bitch" by a 10 year old, or realize I pour out my heart to a class of closed ears, or get told by my principal that I don't have what it takes to be a teacher, or threatened to be jumped by a parent.
Maybe this job isn't for me, maybe. But I'm willing to take a gamble at another year of misery with a different approach and different circumstances. Although I struggle with thoughts of quitting on a near monthly basis I'd like to see my commitment through and see if with some changes I can be more effective, a better teacher and happier at the end of the day-- I'm seeking more positives than negative. Nobody self-reflects more than me and the insinuation of anything less than that is slightly offensive.
Speaking with other new teachers at other schools (even schools down the street from mine) relay co-operative lesson planning with other teachers, administrative support disciplinary support, etc and I simply wonder: what if? If I had any more resources (not even material resources, although that would help, but personal and systematic) could I become the highly effective teacher I see myself having the potential to be? I'm willing to chance it--this year be damned.